let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
