What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
