Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
