I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
