Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
