i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize