I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
