i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
