im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
