you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize