we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
