so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
