Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
