I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize