I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
