And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
