I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
