Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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