Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
