I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
