The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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