I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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