So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize