Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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