Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
