there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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