so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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