I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
