I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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