I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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