she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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