clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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