Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My feet surprised me
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