my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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