i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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