I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize