So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
