Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
