I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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