dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize