He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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