i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
