i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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