At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
