You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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