I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
