There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
