I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize