Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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