You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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