My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My vagina just clenched in fear
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