guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
