Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
