why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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