your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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